<Cracker Queen - Lauretta Hannon - Southern Writer
 

ellin' it like it is: occasional missives from the Cracker Queen

Late-September 2005

dear worshipful fans & comrades,

A poem is on my mind as I sit and write these words:

Barn’s burnt down—now I can see the moon.-Masahide

I suspect that a lot of folks’ barns are burning…

New story alert: Next week I will be at Georgia Public Radio recording three new stories. If you’re on the CQ mailing list, I’ll send you the audio links once the tales are broadcast. Shoot me an email if you’d like to be on the list. I’ll tell you more about the stories in my next epistle.
 

Animated audience at the library in Springfield, GA (April 15, 2005)


The Cracker Queen makes the front-page news—and this time it’s not for violating her probation!

My readings earlier this year were grand. Thank you to everyone who attended the shows in Springfield and Hinesville, GA. Thanks to Robin Shader and Melissa White for inviting me to their libraries. A special appreciation goes to Kathy Bohannon for her review of the Springfield gig.

I must tell you about a woman I met in Springfield. Her name is Annselma LaFavor, and she’s a strong contender for the CQ Hall of Fame. I mean, come on, her name is Annselma AND she’s on Husband Number Eight. She also has some tales to tell. Here are two of my favorites.

Until next time, don’t worry if your barn is aflame. It will surely be replaced with something you can’t even imagine right now. After all, this is the promise that keeps a good ol’ Cracker Queen going.

 


Spring 2005 CQ Gigs: April 15 @ the Springfield Library & April 16 at the Hinesville Library. Both readings will begin at 7pm.

“You might be a Cracker Queen if…” Contest Email your best “You might be a CQ if” joke, and I’ll send you an appropriately trashy Cracker Queen prize. Every entrant will receive a gift.

See lots of new photos on the Picture Show page.


March 2005

dear worshipful fans & comrades,

“We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars,” said Oscar Wilde. I’ve been stargazing a lot in the last year. Some of the highlights:

I wrote a photo history book of Powder Springs, GA in less than seven weeks

Attended the Yeats Winter School in Sligo, Ireland

After a liter of mulled wine and a few incantations, I nearly fainted at the grave of the master: William Butler Yeats.

Fled from haints at a haunted B&B in Cave Spring, GA

Bought cologne in Cologne, Germany from a gruesomely-tanned woman with body odor worse than my Uncle Buddy when he had that skin condition

Produced a CD of my stories

Had a 12’x12’ writing shack built in the backyard

I’m in the shack now as a heavy rain falls and the fire in the woodstove blazes. There is no electricity in this space—the Cracker Queen’s playhouse. My place to write, read, play flute, and just be. I realized six months ago that I needed a remote room of my own. Virginia Woolf knew what the hell she was talking about. (Note to those of you who pay attention to such things: I left the 12’x20’ shack mentioned elsewhere on this site when we moved to a new house.)

The William Butler Yeats study was an ecstatic few days. We drank liters of mulled wine and listened to his magnificent words. The deeper one goes into Yeats, the greater the delights. He offers everything: love, death, sex, magic and alchemy, politics, philosophy, spirituality, theatre, prophecy. Earlier this year astronomers reported of a dying star whose light outshone the Milky Way’s other half-trillion stars combined. That is Yeats’ place in the galaxy of poets.

During the Yeats study in Ireland, I hooked up with some hilarious women from northern Ireland. Cathleen, at left, and Margaret, at right, helped promote the Cracker Queen by posing with CQ postcards.

After the study I took the train to my great-grandfather’s birthplace near Ballymote. As a young man, he was stuffed in a barrel by the little people and rolled down a hill. I was on a quest to see the hill and the mythic caves of Keash. Tales abound of those of entered the dank, mysterious caves and were never heard from again. Wolves sought shelter there 12,000 years ago. What a thrill to see these things that have been in my mind since I was knee-high to a leprechaun.

During my few hours in Dublin, my main goal was to view the Book of Kells. As it turned out, I lingered in the tourist shops and arrived at Trinity College too late to see them. But I did buy cheap tea towels imprinted with designs from the book. Typical American.

I’m writing all kinds of things—more stories for Georgia Public Radio, perhaps a screenplay, and some scraps on living joyfully in a miserable world (stargazing again from the gutter).

In Cologne, Germany, in front of the famous cathedral: those creepy rays of sunshine remind me of the Jesus picture Granny kept in her living room.


Last year’s gigs at the Clarksville Library and at Savannah’s Flannery O’Connor Home were great fun. Get your taxes done and come see me on April 15 at the Springfield Library and on April 16 at the Hinesville Library.

In the meantime, send me your stories and be one hellraisin’ cracker.

February 19, 2004

dear worshipful fans & comrades,

The Cracker Queen is hittin' the road again. Here's the scoop on upcoming readings.

March 25, 2004
Clarkesville Public Library
7 pm
Clarkesville, GA
Sponsored by the Habersham County Libraries

Clarkesville is in the North Georgia mountains, so use the reading as an excuse for a road trip or a long weekend in that beautiful part of cracker land.

May 23, 2004
Flannery O'Connor Childhood Home
3 pm
Savannah, GA
Part of the Flannery O'Connor Spring Lecture Series

Savannah is the most fabulously decadent kingdom in Georgia. Join me as we raise all manner of hell in Flannery's house.

November 16, 2003

dear worshipful fans & comrades,

It took a broken big toe to slow me down enough to write this long overdue epistle. Yes, several weeks ago the CQ was bouncing barefoot on a game called the Velcro Wall. The goal of it is to bounce high and hurl oneself onto a sticky wall. Instead it turned into a game of Rush Lola to the ER.

I've had three stories air on Georgia Public Radio since last we met. The first, “You Put a Root on Me,” describes a series of near-death calamities I endured after writing an article criticizing a Savannah politician. Was this voodoo or just Irish Cracker Bad Luck? Decide for yourself at
www.gpb.org/gpr/gazette/shows/index.asp?episid=1004 This story aired on May 16 on the Georgia Gazette program and appears about thirty-five minutes into the hour-long show.

I still can't believe the response I've received from the second story, “Blood Knowledge.” It deals with a mysterious glimmer of understanding I gained while grieving for my father. The Marietta Daily Journal (Marietta, Georgia) ran a printed version of the story in its Father's Day edition.

When I send words out into the ether I wonder if anyone is listening. And so I was thrilled to get many emails from folks who were touched by this story. Let me know what you think. You can hear it at
www.gpb.org/gpr/gazette/shows/index.asp?episid=1029 This one aired on June 13 and appears at the fourteen-minute point in the program.

The third story is entirely different. It is a straightforward profile of a quartet of blue-haired, country mountain musicians known as The Myers Sisters. These CQ grannies rock! Enjoy them at
www.gpb.org/gpr/gazette/?episid=1038 The story appears near the end of the program, at the forty-second minute point, and was broadcast on June 27.


It was a hoot to interview and record the country mountain music of The Myers Sisters.


The CQ meets up with one of her role models: Comedian Brett Butler.

More stories are in the oven, so stay tuned. In the meantime, I leave you whup-ass women (and the men who adore them) with these words from Isadora Duncan, “You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you.”

PS-Thanks to everyone who continues to submit stories to this site. Click here to read a fabulous story about the Weed Lady of Alexandria.


january 16, 2003

dear worshipful fans & comrades,

Good Lord—things at CQ-HQ have been a mess these last months, but as Gilda Radner says, "I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity." Here's the latest from the always hoppin' world of the CQ.


The gleaming turquoise and chrome dashboard of the Cracker Queenmobile: a '62 Mercury Comet that will be the official CQ Summer Tour vehicle.

  • Preparations are underway for a Cracker Queen Summer Tour in June. I will load up the '62 Mercury Comet and spend a week on the dirt roads and trailer park trails of Georgia, reading my stories to anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, who will listen. Tentative stops include a public library in the mountains, a bookshop in Savannah, a mental institution and a women's prison in middle Georgia (I know what you're thinkin'), a college in Macon, and impromptu sites along the way. Check back here for my tour journal and photos.

  • I'm working on some new tales and have started a longer piece (I'm too scared to say the N-word: novel) about my cracker relatives. Let's just say that these folks make Tobacco Road seem like a story of high-achieving, prosperous Southerners. One working title is "Marriage, Sadism, & Breakdown."

  • Several folks have asked me to list my favorite authors and poets, so here are some of 'em: William Butler Yeats (he stares at me from a framed photo by the desk), William Blake, Seamus Heaney, Pablo Neruda, Yunus Emre (a thirteenth-century Sufi poet),William Faulkner, and Dylan Thomas.

  • Whatever you do, keep sending me your stories. Four of my favorites are posted here. I will add more throughout the year.

  • A final admonition: never forget that ours is a vital and vibrant mission. The cosmos smiles when strong, authentic, whup-ass women have a voice. We are in this together.

june 13, 2002

dear worshipful fans & CQ comrades,

As I write this I am preparing to depart for the next stop on the Cracker Queen Global Domination Tour: Amsterdam. Time requires that I share only a few highlights from the fully-lived world of the CQ.

  • The Debut of the Cracker Queen in May was a huge honkin' success (see photos on the Picture Show page). More than 100 souls tried to attend my reading at the Flannery O'Connor Childhood Home in Historic Savannah, GA. We admitted 66 folks into a room that officially holds up to 30. Let's just say it's a good thing that I like to perform close to my audience. I hated it that so many people were turned away at the door, but you KNOW that I love telling ya about it.
  • Many women in the crowd spoke to me after the show. It warmed my black little heart to hear them say how much they identified with the Cracker Queen. Maybe it was just the Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) they were swilling, but in between burps and scratches, I heard what they were saying: strong, beautiful, authentic Southern women need a venue for expression.
  • Connect Savannah, the city's alternative newspaper, printed an interview with me a few days before the reading.
a label from the CQ brand of whup ass
 

-A moment of delicious irony: audience members downing RC Cola and PBR while munching on pork skins (barbecue & regular), moon pies, and boiled peanuts-all in the ever-so-genteel parlor of the Flannery O'Connor Childhood Home.

-We held a hell of a good time with a "You might be a Cracker Queen if…" Contest. The winning entries were:

"You might be a Cracker Queen if you discover your husband's having an affair with the school janitor when you see he's charged the Viagra to your credit card."

"You might be a CQ if you can sell the crumbs from your satin sheets."

"You might be a CQ if your father is featured in the Federal Registry of Child Sex Offenders."

 
-I was thrilled to get reports from a Savannah bookstore owner of more than 2 dozen requests for my books and CDs in the week following the reading… I guess I should work on producing some books and CDs now.

-Some folks have been asking about where they can get copies of my new stories. Just e-mail me here and I'll send you fresh CQ tales from time to time. The stories on this site are a mere sample of a much larger body of work (CQ translation: these stories are only part of the shit-load of writing that I'm doing).

-Thanks to everyone who has submitted stories to me. Please keep it up.

 

In the meantime, be a good cracker.